Since the beginning of this year, I have been on a little bit of a soul searching journey. Everyday I'm trying to make a concious effort to better myself everyday and choose loving thoughs as opposed to letting my ego take over and get in the way. Another thing that I have been working on is trying to love and accept myself just the way I am. For example trying to love and accept my body just the way it is. I remember in 6th grade this boy calling me fat and ugly and from that day I always thought thats what I was. My ego would tell me day after day that you are fat and ugly and that no one will ever love you looking the way that you do. So I began to listen to my ego and that ended up spiraling into a bunch of eating disorders from the age of 13-21. I would constantly worry about my weight and how I looked. No matter how thin I got it wasn't enough. Its weird how you see yourself totally different then everyone else does! Its like you are looking at yourself in a fun mirror. No matter how many people told me that I was pretty or thin it just wasnt enough. So I kept pushing myself with either compulsive exercising or binging like crazy and having to workout for 4-5 hours a day just to burn off all the calories that I consumed and was addicted to fat burners for 2 years. I look back now and cant imagine how I ever did all that nasty stuff to my body!
I remember looking at myself in the mirror a couple of months ago and something hit me. I kept looking at myself and realized I kinda liked the way I was built. I kept looking harder and harder and I started to cry. That little girl inside was kicking and screaming because of all the nasty things I did to her when I was younger. I had enough of torturing my body and trying to mold it into the perfect body. I came to the reality that there is no 'perfect body' and that everyone is bulit completely different! I realized I needed to stop comparing myself to every other girl out there. I started to look at my body in a different light. I actually felt beautiful for the first time! I was happy that I have an athletic body with curves! Also, that I found the perfect weight for me. I didnt need to starve myself anymore or binge and then workout excessively to burn off all the calories! I finally feel at peace with my body. Of course I still have days where I feel like crap but I try to make the best of it and fill my head with positive affirmations like "I love my body just the way it is". Its definitely a work in progress! I finally feel healthy for the first time in my life! My workouts and eating habits are all a healthy balance now as well. I'm happy to say that I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. Its a wonderful feeling! :)
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