You Make Me Smile, Please Stay For Awhile

Goodmorning! Happy friday everyone! This week has been full of surprises for me! First, I got my first nursing job on monday! I start orientation on monday! Needless to say I'm excited and extremely nervous at the same time. Every once in awhile that fearful voice in my head will ask, "What if I will not be a good nurse? What if I screw up?". Ahhh that nasty ego! grrrr. This is all completely BRAND NEW for me. I have been at the same job since I was 15 and I have to step out of my comfort zone. I'm not gonna lie, that scares the SHIT out of me! I know I will be fine once I get through orientation and get a feel for whats going on there. I did clinicals and my internship there so I kind of have a sense of how things work at this place. I feel this place is a great starting point for me. I feel like a big girl now!

Then something totally unexpected happened to me this week. A guy I used to work with just got back from being in Iraq for a year about 2 weeks ago. We always got along with each other when we worked together and became fast friends. Well, right before he left jeff told me how he had feelings for me and that he was attracted to me. I didnt know what to do when he said that. It was totally unexpected! However, I was still so hung up on mike in hopes that I would be with him. BAD MOVE ON MY PART. So nothing came of with jeff. I would still talk to jeff here and there on the computer.*I will come back Jeff later on in this blog post*

Well, after doing some soul searching and working with my "ing", I have finally came to the point that I have to forgive mike and release him. I cant go on feeling miserable all the time and just waiting around for him when I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA if he will ever want to be with me. Finally, it has taken me 2 1/2 years to figure this out. I have been doing the forgiveness section of gabby's book for awhile now and it has been working beautifully. I feel like I have to forgive and release mike so I can create space for a more loving relationship with someone else. I totally agree with Gabby when she says that all relationships are assignments. I had to complete my assignment with him (and boy was it a very grueling/heartbreaking assignment at times!!!) in order to move on to my next assignment. I dont look at mike as an enemy, I rather look at him as a teacher. He has taught me what I want and dont want. The problem is, I think I will always be in love with him. We have always had a deep connection with each other. I love our talks we have and our runs together or just sitting by the water and talking. But, I feel like its time to accept him, forgive him, release him and let him be the person that he needs to be. If its meant to be than it will happen if not than it was never meant to be.

Alright, back to jeff! lol. When Jeff came home he sent me an IM on facebook and we were started talking. I said to him that I would love to see him and catch up with him whenever he is all settled back home. Well last sunday we went for a walk and got something to eat. It went so good! The whole time I never stopped laughing. He just made me smile the whole time. I felt like I could talk to him easily and we have a lot in common. He was just a breath of fresh air to me. When we were about to leave he said he enjoyed spending time with me and would love to hangout more with me. So on monday we went for another walk and it went great! Again, I couldnt stop laughing and smiling. We went out to eat last night and went to borders and just sat and looked at books for awhile. Then on our way home he says to me, "Stephanie, you are beautiful. I just wanted to you to know that. I have always thought you were." That almost made me want to cry because I havent heard someone say that to me in a couple of years! It made me feel so special inside. I'm really digging him!!! I sent him a text last night saying 'thanks for making me smile'. I havent really let myself like someone in the past 2 years because I was so hung up on mike. I would go on dates with guys and I just didnt really feel anything. Then jeff comes along and just does not make me stop smiling! I'm smiling right now as I'm typing this! I would really like to see where this goes! This is totallly different from what I'm used to! He actually makes me feel good inside and out and not bringing me down and making me feel miserable! Wow, what a change!!! I'm gonna go with the flow on this and not try and control or manipulate the situation because right now everything is beautiful. :)

I hope everyone has a beautiful friday! Sending love to all of you!

Third Time's the Charm

I hope everyone had a great weekend and a good monday! It was a beautiful weekend filled with lots of sunshine! However, today in Ohio the weather has been rainy,cold and dreary! YUCK! Where did my sunshine go?

I'm so excited I got my first nursing job today! I feel like a big girl now! lol. It was totally unexpected! This place that I did some of my clinical rotations and my preceptorship was hiring nurses immediately and it said to come and drop off your resume in person. So I go in there (not expecting an interview or anything) and try to drop off my resume (mind you I'm in my hoodie and jeans with my hair pulled back and no makeup on) and they are conducting interviews right then and there! I was so embarrassed! I told the secretary is there any way I can come back when I'm dressed professionally and she said just stay and the director will interview you. At first I almost walked out and then something told me (my ing!) to just stay, what did I have to lose? So I waited for about 45 minutes and the people that were ahead of me were coming out pretty fast of their interview. So I didnt really know what was going on. Then the DON called me back in to his office and he was very direct and straightforward! He kinda scared me at first lol. I told him a little bit about myself and I told him I was a new grad. He automatically said to me, "I like you, you have spunk. You are just what I'm looking for!". I was shocked! So he went in to all the details of the job and said I would start off on a PRN basis (as needed) until I get trained and then bump me up to full time day shift working 3 12 hour shifts days!! How cool is that?! He told me, "Welcome aboard". I couldnt stop smiling. This was my 3rd interview I have been on since I graduated and got my license and I guess 3rd times a charm! I'm glad I didnt walk out and doubt myself and that I listened to my "Ing!".

As I was running on the treadmill this morning I had my ipod on shuffle and man did I have some awesome positive upbeat songs come on! I'm a music junky!!! I decided to make a positive perception playlist for my ipod. So if you are looking for some positive upbeat or just even fun songs to listen to when you are running here are a few that I came up with that were on my ipod:

U2 - Where the streets have no name (I dont know why but I love running to this song!)

INXS- Good times (totally busting out the 80s music!)

Moby- We are all made of stars

New Radicals - You get what you give

REM- Its the end of the world as we know it

Talking Heads- Once in a lifetime

Tears for Fears- Everybody wants to rule the world

Billy Joel - We didnt start the fire

Journey- Dont stop believing

Billy Squier- Everybody Wants You

*as you can see I like alot of 80s music!* lol

I just bought Sera Beak's "The Red Book" today. I'm so pumped to start reading it! I hear its really good! Ever since I have been done with school and done with studying for my boards all I have been really doing is reading! I have become a book junkie as well! lol. My bookshelf is overflowed with books. I love it!

Alrighty well I'm gonna go do my forgiving meditation and sleeping meditation and do some writing and then I'm gonna call it an early night. I hope all of you have a wonderful night and sweet dreams to all of you! xoxo

Everybody Hurts Sometimes

I just realized when I write these blogs, half of the stuff I'm writing probably does not make sense lol. Oh well, I'm usually just writing whatever is on my mind at that time :)

So I was listening to REM's song "Everybody Hurts" today and finally realized that those lyrics are painfully true! Everybody does hurt at some point in life. I'm not the only one that goes through difficult situations. Although I absolutely hate to see anyone in pain, it should make you feel a little bit better that WE ALL GO THROUGH IT AT SOME POINT IN OUR LIVES! Its a very sad song but powerful lyrics!

I think I have worked enough on the feelings section of Gabby's book that I decided to step up to the forgiveness section and work on that for 30 days. Which I think is going to be one of the toughest sections for me (and I'm pretty sure its hard for a lot of other people too). I got up this morning and my thoughts were all over the place and finally my "ing" told me "Stephanie, stop crying and whining and get yourself to the gym...you will feel better" so thats what I did. Needless to say I felt a hell of a lot better after I was done working out. Of course when I was running, "Everybody Hurts" came on my Ipod shuffle lol. Not really what I wanted to hear when I'm working out lol. After I got done working out I walked a couple of laps around the track and put on Gabby's walking meditation and was really getting into it. It says to bless everyone that is around you at the time. So I was looking all around blessing people as I would walk by them. I would silently bless the man on the stairmaster or the lady on the bike and it brought a smile to my face. Then I sat down and did the forgiveness meditation and started to get all emotional but holy shit did I feel better after doing that! Its a constant work in progress but in the end it will definitely pay off! Its something I have to work at everyday.

I also received the Overcoming Negativity Addiction 8 Week Program from Denise Coates and I'm going to start that on monday. I'm extremely excited to start working on that! Its something I definitely need. I'm ready to get all that negative crap out of my head and start filling it with positive loving thoughts! Coming from an over thinker and someone thats addicted to their thoughts this is going to be a challenge but I'm ready!

I have been thinking lately of making a book and putting all my favorite positive quotes/stories/pictures etc. in it. Kind of like a vision board. I think I will start working on that either tonight or tomorrow sometime. Also, I decided to make a gratitude list and look at first thing in the morning and last thing before I go to bed or whenever I start to get frazzled/anxious/upset during the day. Here are some things on my gratitude list
I'm grateful for:
1.) My Parents - for loving me unconditionally and always being supportive of everything that I do. I truly have awesome parents!

2) Dan (my brother) - for being my best friend and the best brother I could ever ask for. for always being there for me through the good and bad times. he is my rock.

3.) Michele (my sister-in-law) - My yoda! I'm lucky to have a sister-in-law like her. I thank her for her all her wise words and love she always gives me.

4.) Gavin (my nephew) - for always putting a smile on my face whenever I see him. I could be having a terrible day and when I see that face I just start to smile. I'm so excited to be a big part in his life!

5.) Buffy (my dog) - for being my constant companion/ best little friend in the world. for always listening to me and not ever judging me! lol. she is my cuddle buddy lol

6.) My friends - i'm blessed to have such amazing friends and will be forever grateful for them

7.) My health

8.) My Job

9.) My education

10.) LOST -- haha I had to add that one in... I dont know what I'm going to do with myself when that show ends!

11.) Herfuture.com - everyone on that website is just absolutely amazing! I'm grateful for all the kind/loving/wise words I hear from all the amazing women on that site.

Torn..How to accept, forgive, and release a person

Since early february I have been doing the "ing" work. I read through Gabby's book and then I went back to starting on the feelings chapter. I thought I was making progress and was feeling good and then all of the sudden BAM! something triggers me (that shouldnt really bother me in the first place!). This whole week I have just been very off and then today has been the worst. I just had a mini meltdown at work (not the place to have a melt down! lol). I have just become so frustrated at a certain person and my ego always flares up when I'm around him. I'm very torn right now. I dont know if I should let this person go out of my life and cut ties with him or should I stay in the same situation, be unhappy, feel very insecure around him, and miserable but still have him in my life? The problem is he has been a huge person in my life for 2 1/2 years. We have spent a lot of time together but he does not want to be with me in the way I want him to be. He cant give me what I want and why hold on to something if its more than likely never going to happen? I cant continue to feel like this anymore. I'm done feeling like shit and insecure around him always wondering if he is with other girls (which I know he has been, he says they are "friends" just like me and him but he definitely treats me more than just a friend). I have no idea what he is doing with these other girls and that drives me absolutely crazy in the head!
I was talking to my brother about this situation (bless his heart for always listening to me on this) today and being the wise one he said,
"Stephanie, you have absolutely no control over what he does when he is not with you. Do you see how he makes you feel? He drives you insane. He is not going to change." I thought this was funny when he said, "What would the "ing" lady do?" lol! I always talk about her book to him, how awesome she is and how its been a life changer...I'm lucky that my brother is my best friend.
So here is what it comes down to: Do I accept him, forgive him, and release him from my life so I can clear space for a more loving and meaningful relationship (with someone that actually wants to be with me) or do I still keep him in my life? I feel like I will lose someone big in my life if I let him go (but I will definitely not miss the feeling of being unhappy and insecure all the time) but I cant keep feeling like this anymore. I'm feel so torn right now :(..... I'm asking for a miracle.

'Do or do not, there is not try'

First off, I just want to say how BEAUTIFUL the weather has been in Ohio lately! All sunshine for the past couple of days! It is so uplifting! I just cant help but smile when the weather is like this!

I dont think I realized how powerful the mind is until recently. For example, I went running with Mike yesterday and needless to say he is ALOT faster than I am! Which is good because I like running with people that are faster than me, it pushes me harder. But he took me on this path that was full of huge ass hills and I started to get scared and in my head I kept saying 'there is no way in hell I'm gonna be able to run up this hill!' so I told him that. He said "Steph, you can do this. Get that out of your mind right now that you cant do this!" So I decided as I was running up this hill I would breathe in love and release the fear. I kept saying this to myself in my head and low and behold it worked! The whole rest of the run went great! I just kept repeating positive affirmations and felt great. I zoned out and it felt awesome. Of course it was a very difficult run but in the end I felt good! I just realized I had to clear all the negative self talk out of my head and put in positive talk/affirmations and it worked! It definitely works when you work it! As the famous yoda says, "Do or do not, there is not try"....as goofy as that is its very true! lol

Also, I dont think I realized how my thoughts affected me on a day to day basis until after reading Gabby's book. I realize now when I fill my head with negative false beliefs my energy is low and my day just turns to shit. I have been sitting with my thoughts/feelings just being aware of them, not judging them. I then start to meditate and then slowly but surely I start to feel lighter again. I work at it everyday to fill my head with positive thoughts. I spent way too much time feeling shitty and it got me ABSOLUTELY nowhere! I encourage everyone to start filling their head with positive thoughts instead of negative ones!! It makes a HUGE difference in your day to day life. Its something I have to work at everyday. It can definitely be hard sometimes but you work through it. In the end, it will pay off.

I hope everyone has a beautiful thursday! Sending love to all of you! :)

He's Just Not That Into You

I hope everyone is having a great start to their week so far! This time change has thrown me off! lol. My weekend was alright for the most part. I had to work the whole weekend which wasn't so much fun but I got to spend some time with some great people! I went and saw "The Green Zone". It was a very good movie and a plus because Matt Damon was in it (he is gorgeous!). I got to see my baby nephew Gavin who is just the sweetest thing. I love spending time with him!

I had the chance to watch "He's Just Not That Into You" this weekend as well. Wow! What an eye opener to relationships! I absolutely loved the movie! I think any girl could relate to one of the girls in this movie. Then today, I decided to go to Borders and buy the book. I just got done with it and holy shit was it hilarious and painfully true! The chapter that I went over a couple of times was chapter 3 which was titled "he's just not that into you if he's not dating you" and they said that "hanging out is not dating". One of the stories in the book really related to my current situation. After I read that part, I had a little mini epiphany! My friend Mike apparently is not into me that way. If he wanted to date me he would be dating me right now! I have been stuck in this current situation for 2 1/2 years! I have hopes that he will change his mind and wanna be with me like that but as painful as it is to say he doesnt want to be with me like that. I'm mad at myself because I have been holding onto him for so long and that he would change his mind when I could of been with a wonderful guy that actually wanted to be with me! I'm pissed because I have had some chances of going out with some really great guys and I have turned them down because I was so stuck on Mike and thinking if I held on long enough that he would change his mind and say he wants to be with me. Unfortunately, I dont think that is going to happen! I am coming to accept that! FINALLY! I'm done waiting around for him.

I need to accept him (I cant change how he feels or who he is), forgive him (he was doing the best that he could), and release him to clear space for a more loving and meaningful relationship (if one decides to come along someday). Here comes the problem, do I cut ties with him or do I keep him as a friend (that would be extremely hard for me to do with the feelings that I have for him) ? I guess I will have to do some "ing" work and take it from there!

If you are single or stuck in a crazy "dating limbo" sort of situation. I HIGHLY reccomend reading He's Just Not That Into You. You will be enlightened after reading it!

Its time for me to get my "ing" on and do some work here! Sending you all love on this beautiful monday! :)

Here Comes The Sun

Goodmorning fellow bloggers!! I am finding out that this blog is a great additional tool to my journal that I write in everyday. I'm gonna try my hardest to keep up with it as much as possible!

I had to be to work at 6 this morning and I made a concious effort to wake up a little bit earlier than I usually do to sit my ass down and meditate for awhile before I headed off. I definitely notice a difference when I start my day off with a meditation! I feel so much better (almost like a lighter feeling). I also like to end my day with a meditation as well.

I noticed yesterday when my ego was running rampant at work I went in the back office and just sat and meditated and did some affirmation work. I reminded myself "I'm right where I need to be and that the universe is taking care of me" "All is well in my world". I asked for a miracle and automatically my ego started to quiet down. I wish I would of had all these tools starting 2 years ago. I'm sure I would of been a different person and I could of handled situations differently. But hey, whats done is done and I know now that I was doing the best that I could at that time.

I had 2 interviews for a nursing position last week and both said that they would be in contact with me within a week and I still haven't heard anything yet. Its starting to get a little bit frustrating. I was telling my sis-in-law Michele about how I was feeling and she said the right job will come when its supposed to. She is so wise! lol. I'm ready to get my nursing career started!! I'm ready for my big girl job! lol

I had a beautiful walk last night with my "friend". We did a 6mile walk in the rain. It felt great. The stars were out and everything. Our relationship definitely reminds me of Dawson and Joey from Dawsons Creek lol. I dont think he realizes how much I love him. I'm always scared to tell him. I shouldn't be but I am. Who knows what the future has in store for us. Its just a one day at a time kinda thing. I'm grateful that I have him in my life :)

I guess I should get back to work now lol. I hope everyone has a wonderful saturday!! Love to all of you!

Anxiety Running Wild

I just found out yesterday that Corey Haim died! How sad is that?! He was in so many great 80s movies (The Lost Boys being my favorite!). RIP Corey Haim!

Today, I have been feeling very anxious for some odd reason. Actually I know exactly what the reason is. I dont understand how all my anxiety can stem from a man :( When I got up this morning I just felt off. I tried meditating and I just couldnt calm my mind down. Then I went and worked out and felt great but then once I got done I went into anxious mode again! When I got home I just sat there and got in touch with how I was feeling. I let myself feel the feeling for 90 seconds (as Gabrielle says to do in her book) and then shift my thoughts to loving thoughts instead. I said to myself "I'm right where I need to be and the universe is taking care of me". I started to feel a whole lot better! I'm working on the feeling chapter of Gabby's book this month and its going great! Its a work in progress but I'm feeling a hell of alot better so far! I wish I would of had this book and the tools about a year ago! lol.

I have been reading Marianne Williamson's "A Return To Love" and wow that book is incredible! The whole part on relationships was definitely an eye opener! She is such an inspiration! No wonder Gabrielle likes her so much! I read that book for about 2 hours last night and hopefully I will finish it either tonight or tomorrow night.

I need to finish my vision board! I have almost all the pictures/quotes/words cut out and now I need to get a bulletin board to put them on! I think that will be a great tool for me to use. I found some really cool pictures to put on it too.

Its still so beautiful outside and I'm gonna take advantage of that and go walk my dog! I hope everyone is having a wonderful day/night! Sending love and light to all of you!

A First Time For Everything

So I decided to start a blog! I have never really done one of these before but hey theres a first time for everything right?! I love to write in my journal so I thought this would be an additional cool idea to share my thoughts, ideas, rambles, etc. Not that they are really interesting or anything lol.

First, I have to say that the website http://www.herfuture.com/ is what inspired me to start writing a blog in the first place! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you check out that website! It is very empowering! Its about women mentoring other women. All these creative and strong women coming together and sharing their life stories, struggles, and moments of happiness is awesome! I get excited everyday to surf that website and see what everyone is up to, what they have to say and the advice that they offer! I'm so grateful to be a part of that website! Hopefully one day I will be able to meet these extraordinary women! The creator of the website Gabrielle Bernstein is such an inspiration to me! She wrote the book "Add More Ing To Your Life" and it was absolutely life changing for me. Its about how to acheive happiness and reverse your negative thinking and change it to positive thinking. It gives you a totally different perspective on life! I could go on and on about it but I will stop for now lol!

I'm so happy to be done with work for the day. Thats the only good thing about working a 5am-2pm shift ... your done at 2! Anyways I came home and watched LOST from last night! Can I just say I dont know what I'm going to do with myself when that show ends!!! That show is so addicting! The writing of the show is absolutely amazing! I literally could sit and watch that show non-stop all day (which I have done before lol). Oh and it doesnt hurt you get to stare at Matthew Fox and Josh Holloway! MMMMM!

It's going to be a quiet night for me. I'm gonna get some reading in tonight. I'm currently reading "A Return To Love" by Marianne Williamson. Its fantastic! I'm gonna try and finish that up and then off to bed early since I have been up since 4 this morning. I'm pooped! I hope everyone has a wonderful night and I look forward to writing in this blog!