The Beginning of a New Chapter

Today it finally hit me that I was coming to an end in one chapter of my life and beginning a new one. I feel like everything is changing right now in my life from a career, to friendships, to relationships, etc. I'm so excited to see whats to come but in a way I'm terrified!! (thats the ego talking in me) I got offered a nursing job last week for a private medical practice that specializes in pain management. Its something I would be interested in so I definitely took it! I started my training for it today. I think its going to be a great place to work at!

I just put in my 2 weeks notice at the gym I have been working at for 7 years. I basically grew up there. Thats where I met pretty much all of my closest friends but its also where I lost a lot of friendships as well. Its where I met most of the guys I dated and a place where I got my heart broken too. I felt like I worked at this place for a very important couple of years of my life. I felt like I learned a lot of lessons there too! I did ALOT of growing up there!I had been waiting for this time to come where I could quit this job and move on but now that the time has come I'm extremely sad!! In a way I dont want to quit but in the end its the best thing I could do! Obviously I'm ready to get my nursing career started!!! I have been surrounded by pretty much the same people for 7 years and I wanna get out and meet new people and make new friends! Of course I wanna keep the ones that are important to me that I met there. However, there is one in particular that I met there that think I need to forgive, accept and release from my life. He has been a huge person in my life for almost 3 years now but its hard because I'm in love with him and he does not feel the same way. I have tried my hardest to seperate my feelings for him but it never works for me no matter how hard I try! Its definitely time to drop the "F" bomb on him and let go! I want to clear space for a more loving, healthy, and positive relationship with someone. I truly believe the universe will send me that relationship or assignment when she feels that its time for me to have that in my life! All I will have to do is SHOW UP!

I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself and now is the time to do it! I just want to become absolutely happy with myself. I just want to hangout with "Stephanie" for awhile. Nurture the little girl inside me and take care of her. I realize that this is an everyday thing that I need to work on if I want to see results! Right now, I need to accept that this is where I'm supposed to be and that the universe will take care of the rest! Sending love to all of you on this wonderful monday night! :)

Learning to love myself and letting go of the ego's nasty illusions

Since the beginning of this year, I have been on a little bit of a soul searching journey. Everyday I'm trying to make a concious effort to better myself everyday and choose loving thoughs as opposed to letting my ego take over and get in the way. Another thing that I have been working on is trying to love and accept myself just the way I am. For example trying to love and accept my body just the way it is. I remember in 6th grade this boy calling me fat and ugly and from that day I always thought thats what I was. My ego would tell me day after day that you are fat and ugly and that no one will ever love you looking the way that you do. So I began to listen to my ego and that ended up spiraling into a bunch of eating disorders from the age of 13-21. I would constantly worry about my weight and how I looked. No matter how thin I got it wasn't enough. Its weird how you see yourself totally different then everyone else does! Its like you are looking at yourself in a fun mirror. No matter how many people told me that I was pretty or thin it just wasnt enough. So I kept pushing myself with either compulsive exercising or binging like crazy and having to workout for 4-5 hours a day just to burn off all the calories that I consumed and was addicted to fat burners for 2 years. I look back now and cant imagine how I ever did all that nasty stuff to my body!



I remember looking at myself in the mirror a couple of months ago and something hit me. I kept looking at myself and realized I kinda liked the way I was built. I kept looking harder and harder and I started to cry. That little girl inside was kicking and screaming because of all the nasty things I did to her when I was younger. I had enough of torturing my body and trying to mold it into the perfect body. I came to the reality that there is no 'perfect body' and that everyone is bulit completely different! I realized I needed to stop comparing myself to every other girl out there. I started to look at my body in a different light. I actually felt beautiful for the first time! I was happy that I have an athletic body with curves! Also, that I found the perfect weight for me. I didnt need to starve myself anymore or binge and then workout excessively to burn off all the calories! I finally feel at peace with my body. Of course I still have days where I feel like crap but I try to make the best of it and fill my head with positive affirmations like "I love my body just the way it is". Its definitely a work in progress! I finally feel healthy for the first time in my life! My workouts and eating habits are all a healthy balance now as well. I'm happy to say that I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. Its a wonderful feeling! :)

The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Fear Itself

This past week has been a whirlwind to me! I started my new nursing job on monday. Its at a nursing home and to be honest that not the place I exactly want to to work at. The problem is everywhere I apply to they want you to have at least a year experience. Since I just graduated, I dont have the experience. I guess the job is a good starting point for me though! I'm just grateful that have found a job that would hire a new grad!

Lately, my nasty ego has been creeping up on me and I have just been in a constant state of fear about everything. I fear that I will not be a good nurse. I fear that what I have going on with Jeff will fade away. I feel like that what I have going on with him is going so good right now that he will just stop talking to me one day and not want to see me again. These are the crazy scenarios that go on in my head! I feel like life is going so good right now and that something bad is bound to happen. I know its such a terrible way to think and feel. I feel like all this fear is turning into anxiety and I can feel it in my chest. I hate it. I need to sit my ass down tonight after I get off work and listen to some of Gabby's lectures and meditations.

On a more postive note, this weather is absolutely gorgeous!!! I hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful weather. Sending love to all of you! :)