You Make Me Smile, Please Stay For Awhile

Goodmorning! Happy friday everyone! This week has been full of surprises for me! First, I got my first nursing job on monday! I start orientation on monday! Needless to say I'm excited and extremely nervous at the same time. Every once in awhile that fearful voice in my head will ask, "What if I will not be a good nurse? What if I screw up?". Ahhh that nasty ego! grrrr. This is all completely BRAND NEW for me. I have been at the same job since I was 15 and I have to step out of my comfort zone. I'm not gonna lie, that scares the SHIT out of me! I know I will be fine once I get through orientation and get a feel for whats going on there. I did clinicals and my internship there so I kind of have a sense of how things work at this place. I feel this place is a great starting point for me. I feel like a big girl now!

Then something totally unexpected happened to me this week. A guy I used to work with just got back from being in Iraq for a year about 2 weeks ago. We always got along with each other when we worked together and became fast friends. Well, right before he left jeff told me how he had feelings for me and that he was attracted to me. I didnt know what to do when he said that. It was totally unexpected! However, I was still so hung up on mike in hopes that I would be with him. BAD MOVE ON MY PART. So nothing came of with jeff. I would still talk to jeff here and there on the computer.*I will come back Jeff later on in this blog post*

Well, after doing some soul searching and working with my "ing", I have finally came to the point that I have to forgive mike and release him. I cant go on feeling miserable all the time and just waiting around for him when I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA if he will ever want to be with me. Finally, it has taken me 2 1/2 years to figure this out. I have been doing the forgiveness section of gabby's book for awhile now and it has been working beautifully. I feel like I have to forgive and release mike so I can create space for a more loving relationship with someone else. I totally agree with Gabby when she says that all relationships are assignments. I had to complete my assignment with him (and boy was it a very grueling/heartbreaking assignment at times!!!) in order to move on to my next assignment. I dont look at mike as an enemy, I rather look at him as a teacher. He has taught me what I want and dont want. The problem is, I think I will always be in love with him. We have always had a deep connection with each other. I love our talks we have and our runs together or just sitting by the water and talking. But, I feel like its time to accept him, forgive him, release him and let him be the person that he needs to be. If its meant to be than it will happen if not than it was never meant to be.

Alright, back to jeff! lol. When Jeff came home he sent me an IM on facebook and we were started talking. I said to him that I would love to see him and catch up with him whenever he is all settled back home. Well last sunday we went for a walk and got something to eat. It went so good! The whole time I never stopped laughing. He just made me smile the whole time. I felt like I could talk to him easily and we have a lot in common. He was just a breath of fresh air to me. When we were about to leave he said he enjoyed spending time with me and would love to hangout more with me. So on monday we went for another walk and it went great! Again, I couldnt stop laughing and smiling. We went out to eat last night and went to borders and just sat and looked at books for awhile. Then on our way home he says to me, "Stephanie, you are beautiful. I just wanted to you to know that. I have always thought you were." That almost made me want to cry because I havent heard someone say that to me in a couple of years! It made me feel so special inside. I'm really digging him!!! I sent him a text last night saying 'thanks for making me smile'. I havent really let myself like someone in the past 2 years because I was so hung up on mike. I would go on dates with guys and I just didnt really feel anything. Then jeff comes along and just does not make me stop smiling! I'm smiling right now as I'm typing this! I would really like to see where this goes! This is totallly different from what I'm used to! He actually makes me feel good inside and out and not bringing me down and making me feel miserable! Wow, what a change!!! I'm gonna go with the flow on this and not try and control or manipulate the situation because right now everything is beautiful. :)

I hope everyone has a beautiful friday! Sending love to all of you!